Oh God, no. No, fuck, no. It can’t be September already. No, it came up too fast. Shit. This isn’t fair. I needed some warning. I haven’t prepared myself for this. I actually forgot what this month meant. I was even thinking that there were no holidays in September and it didn’t hit me until.. now. I am not doing okay. This is not a joke. It hurts way too bad. It’s hardly bearable. She was fucking EVERYTHING to me! She was one out of two reasons that I kept going. Now I feel like I’m barely holding on by a thread. Why should I.. do anything?
Because I’ve set expectations for myself. And others are counting on me to make something out of my life. I can’t just give up.
But she gave up to her addictions. Fuck, why did she have to do that?
I’m sorry. I can’t blame her for killing herself. She didn’t mean to, but she had to have known the consequences of her high-school addiction. She didn’t want that to happen. But I can understand. Sometimes death just finds you and grabs hold of everything you hold dear. And once it’s finished gnawing on your reason for living, it becomes a lure on that damned metaphorical fish hook. And death seems so fucking appealing. Sweet relief, right? Just do it. It would be so easy. No one would even notice. They’ll find other friends. They’ll just think you’re busy in college.
I can’t run away from my pain. But I can damn well try.